There Is Still Magic
My daughter is one month old today. I am still landing in the steady belief that she’s really here, she’s really my daughter, and I get to keep her. Becoming a mother has been a lifelong dream of mine. I walked into it with no illusions. I knew it would be hard. I knew I’d need a lot of support. I knew I wouldn’t sleep much. But there really are no words to prepare you for what happens to your heart when your make a whole human, and they look up at you and smile in the early dawn light.
The in-between time of postpartum has been full of responses to her every need, and a few tiny pockets of reflection. I am always amazed by the series of events that conspire to create major life changes. If it wasn’t for the pandemic, this baby wouldn’t be here. If I had been partnered, this particular divine baby wouldn’t have been the baby I conceived. If I hadn’t spent years building up a business and a following here on Instagram, I would not have put the call out to raise funds for the donor/insemination process. The right people might not have ever known I was trying to have a child. The donor may have never come into my life. All the various pieces might not have fallen into place to bring this little one earth side.
We all buy into the story, consciously and unconsciously: the great career, the big love, union, a child, a family. I wanted it all, it that particular order. Life is much more creative than that. I chose to try for a child by donor because I wanted this baby more than I wanted to wait and hope for a partner.
I remember feeling sad and a bit guilty that I couldn’t have a magical, intentional conception with a partner who was also wanting her. Insemination felt so cold and clinical. My fantasies had to be firmly moved out of the way to make room for consciously conceiving this baby. And let me tell you, on the day she was conceived, it WAS magical. I was able to do the insemination at home. The way the donor came into my life was synchronistic, unexpected, and incredibly timely. Due to the pandemic, the potential donors at the cryobank (who I had painstakingly selected over months to make my final choice) were all running out of vials and the cryobank wasn’t taking any new donations.
I also found that I could do the insemination at home with a midwife. I tracked my ovulation, but the machine I was using broke and got the day wrong. I inseminated 3 days too early.
Since I knew it would take a number of tries, I wasn’t too upset when I discovered the error. We had already set things in motion.
On the day of my first try, the bees swarmed and gathered outside my window: a potent symbol of female fertility. Beneath the swarm I found the antler of a stag: a potent symbol of male fertility. We did two inseminations twelve hours apart. In between, I went into my hive named after the serpent of Delphi. While spotting the queen, I looked down and saw a huge gopher snake slide past my feet: an ancient symbol of both male and female fertility and power. Then a close friend called to tell me she was pregnant.
Three days later I felt implantation. I was having a smoothie in town and it happened. I didn’t dare believe but early symptoms showed up right away: abdominal cramps, water tasted metallic, abdomen rounded out a bit, breasts got fuller, dizziness, and a heightened sense of smell.
After a decade of grief and longing, it took one try. One magical convergence. So I’m here to say, even if it doesn’t look like how you planned, magic is still afoot. The most modern and seemingly clinical of procedures can be surrounded by ancient power and mystery. Life can always surprise you with gifts. By the Gods, this Instagram account made it possible for me to raise the money to do the insemination and was directly responsible for connecting me with the donor. You all made this possible. Magic. It takes being willing to see the magic when it happens: the signs, the synchronicities, the flow, the unexpected. I hope I can remember this as I endeavor to raise this little human to the very best of my ability. In a world full of chaos and strife, in the midst of climate crisis, there will always still be magic.